Dark matter

The cast

*Initial captain

captain Christopher pine

logica-first officer, a cyborg

yeoman femme

Jack-engineering

radio voice

D-fen

Ensign lamb

(a rec room. Christopher Pine, Logica, Yeoman Femme, and Jack are playing a card game -- Magic, perhaps. They all look up as *Captain enters the room)

Logica

Ah, there you are, Captain. Perhaps you would care to join us?

captain

No, thank you, Logica. This is a grand moment for the human species! Think of it! The first long-duration space flight in over 75 years. History is at hand!

logica

Er, yes. I suppose it is.

(pauses)

Care to a play a round, then?

captain

No, no, Logica! Don't you see the significance? We're only days out. Our homeland -- our Earth -- is slowly retreating before our eyes.

(walks towards a view port)

Our species is leaving its womb behind -- we are striking out to ponder new worlds, explore strange and mystifying galaxies… This is big stuff!

(Logica, Yeomane Femme, and Jack look at each other. Logica and Yeoman Femme shrug, Jack rolls his eyes. Christopher Pine is staring intently at his cards, oblivious to other goings-on)

Logica

(with a look of concern)

Captain. May I remind you of the psych regulations? The psych team warns us that Space Boredom is not a danger to be taken lightly -- it is very real. It is a long voyage, and thus imperative that we kill time.

captain

Nonsense. Surely there is no danger yet. We are still so close to Earth.

(voice fades as he begins to stare intently out the window. Logica looks at Jack and they shrug)

(pan to a clock on the wall, showing 6 o'clock. Transition to clock showing 9 o'clock. Then pan back. Captain is still looking out the window, Logica, Jack, Pine, and Femme continue to play Magic. Closeup on Captain, who is staring vacant-eyed, twitching occasionally. Pan back to show Logica and Jack, who look at Captain and then at each other, with worried expressions. Pan back to the clock, and transition to 12 o'clock. Pan back out. Pine and Jack are now struggling with the captain, who is wild-eyed, obviously insane. They slowly drag him away from the window.

captain

No, no! Nullspace! There it is. Don't you see! It's following us! We'll be sucked into the void!

Logica

(following Jack and Pine as they struggle with Captain. Obviously humouring him)

There, there. Oh yes, Captain, we see it. We'll get Jack right on it.

(Jack and Pine finally remove Captain from the room)

Yeoman femme

Looks as though we'll need a new captain.

logica

Yes. Are you volunteering?

Yeoman Femme

Er, uh, I'd LOVE to, really, but it's against article 929 of regulations.

logica

929? I'm afraid that one escapes me. I'll just access the Brain…

(Logica's eyes glaze over as she activates a device. Yeoman Femme slowly backs away and exits the room)

Logica

(alone now)

No. I'm afraid there isn't any…

(looks around. Realizes that everyone has now left the room)

(sighs) Well, logic dictates that one of us must be captain. I, of course, am far too valuable in my role as science officer. Yeoman Femme appears reluctant to take the responsibility. Jack's expertise is critical to engineering. I see only one choice…

(The bridge, which looks remarkably like a coffee shop). Logica, Yeoman Femme, Christopher Pine, and assorted other bridge personnel are huddled in a circle. As we watch, everyone moves away to reveal Christopher Pine -- a young, nervous looking fellow, carrying a large mug of coffee, who is pushed forward toward the camera -- and the captain's chair. The rest of the characters move to various stations and begin shuffling papers, staring intently at screens, and otherwise trying to ignore the unfortunate new captain. Captain Christopher Pine glances about wildly, then sits down in the captain's chair nonchalantly, and begins pointedly examining his fingernails. He is nervous and obviously high strung, as he takes occasional sips from his coffee mug, his hands are shaking)

Congratulations, Captain. We, the crew, of course have the utmost confidence in your leadership.

(Captain Pine continues to examine his nails, ignoring the screen in front of him, which is now showing a red warning light)

YEOMAN FEMME

Captain, we are picking up a distress signal from Earth.

LOGICA

And scanners show an unidentified object approaching our sector.

(Captain Pine shudders, grasps his mug and takes one more drink -- apparently for courage -- and hits a switch on the screen before him.)

CAPTAIN PINE

Which one first? Decisions, decisions…

(taps fingers on desk)

What does Earth have to say?

RADIO VOICE

Pensivity, Pensivity! This is Earth! We're getting reports of an odd, giant spaceship attacking a number of outposts. And it's headed toward Earth! You're the closest ship in the quadrant -- please intercept!

CAPTAIN pine

(sighs)

Again? God, this is sooo unoriginal. Okay, on screen.

[Screen shot of space background -- in the foreground, a coffee mug spins in place]

LOGICA

(excited, but then regaining her composure)

Whoa! Er, interesting… I guess. The architecture appears to be alien, captain. It's like no other ship I've ever seen.

CAPTAIN PINE

(close-up. He is staring fixedly at the screen. Agitated)

Yes, yes. I can see that, Logica! Must you always interrupt my thinking with your infernal…

(pauses, appears to get a grip once more, and takes another sip from the mug)

LOGICA

CAPTAIN PINE

Silence! We'd better send an away team. Whoever's in charge of that, beam Ensign Lamb over to the ship to have a look around.

LOGICA

Which one, Captain?

CAPTAIN PINE

(a room with a row of unconscious bodies on cots. In the foreground, Jack is working at a desk, making notes. A bell sounds, and Jack touches a button)

JACK

Yeah, whadya want?

LOGICA (over the intercom)

Bring one of the Lambs out of the deep freeze -- Captain wants an away team.

JACK

Captain? Captain who? Did I miss a meeting?

LOGICA

Captain Pine! Yeah, Christopher got promoted this morning.

JACK

(under his breath) Poor bastard. (aloud) Okay, yeah -- upload the coordinates to me and I'll ship him out.

(Jack gets up and walks towards the nearest unconscious body -- its name tag reads 'Ensign Lamb.' He pushes a button and Ensign Lamb awakens, looks at Jack inquiringly)

JACK

(back on the bridge. LOGICA and YEOMAN FEMME are smoking cigarettes and reading French magazines, while the rest of the crew sits at their stations, looking bored. CAPTAIN alternately taps his fingers and takes a sip from his coffee mug.)

CAPTAIN PINE

Is he there yet? Can we get this thing rolling, please?

LOGICA

I'll just check with Jack, sir. (into microphone) Jack, Jack? How are you coming with the away team? Earth is, like, running out of time.

JACK

(over intercom, breathless)

Yeah, yeah, Logica. He's holed up in the bathroom. Door's locked. I'm wedging a crowbar into the door now. Almost there.

(grunts loudly)

Ah, got it!

(sound of door crashing open, and whimpering)

Now, come on, lad. It won't be so bad. We'll just beam ye over and back. No time at all.

LAMB

(over intercom, distant-sounding)

No! I won't go! You can't make me.

JACK

Now, now, lad. Don't make me drag you out. Do it for the people of Earth --

(grandiosely)

-- in this, their most desperate hour.

LAMB

Whatever.

JACK

Okay then, do it for all of the coffee shops back home. Do it for Denny's, man!

LAMB

(voice strengthens, gathering courage)

Yeah…

(then, with conviction)

Yeah! I'll go!

YEOMAN FEMME

Captain, there's another transmission coming. This one seems to be coming from the alien ship!

CAPTAIN PINE

Let's hear it.

RADIO VOICE

(mechanical, emotionless female voice)

Captain and crew of Pensivity -- this is Dfen. I seek the Cultivator. Is the Cultivator among you?

(Crew all look at one another, bewildered)

YEOMAN FEMME

Captain, Jack reports that the away team has arrived on board the alien vessel. He is hailing us.

CAPTAIN PINE (to Dfen)

Yeah, uh huh, okay. Look, I got someone on the other line. Let me put you on hold for a sec.

DFEN

But I…

CAPTAIN PINE

(Hits another switch on the console before him. to LAMB)

What do you see, Ensign?

(screen shot of coffee mug floating in space during the following dialogue)

LAMB (over radio)

I'm in a large room -- the walls are featureless. Before me, there is a large construct. It… it looks like one of the late 21^st century automated deep-space cargo ships. There are letters on the side, but I can't quite make them out. I am moving forward now -- I will attempt to decipher them. Wait! Something is materializing before me -- it looks like a woman. She's speaking to me.

WOMAN'S VOICE (over radio)

You are the Cultivator? Come close then, and deliver the needed cargo. Only you can set things right once more.

LAMB

Cargo? Cargo? I… I'm not sure what you mean.

WOMAN'S VOICE

Then, you are not the Cultivator? Clearly, then, you have been sent to interfere. You must therefore be eliminated.

LAMB

No, wait, yes I am! I am the… aaaigh!

(loud noise followed by a searing sound)

(back to bridge view)

CAPTAIN PINE

(fidgeting nervously -- takes another sip of coffee)

Uh… that's not good.

DFEN (over radio)

Ah, Pensivity, too, is a threat. I must eliminate Pensivity and continue on to Earth in search of the Cultivator.

LOGICA

Captain, scanners show that Dfen is powering up an energy weapon and training it on us.

CAPTAIN PINE

How long until it is operational?

LOGICA

I give it about forty five minutes, sir.

CAPTAIN PINE (into intercom)

Jack, I need full panic power in forty five minutes or we're all dead!

JACK (over intercom)

Ah, sir, I'm afraid I can't do that. We'd need compensatory propellant materials re-routed to the propulsion generator.

CAPTAIN PINE

Huh?

JACK

We're low on gas. Nobody had a credit card at the last stop and we were short on cash, so we only filled it up half way. We only have enough fuel to get back using the standard drive. If I throw it into panic drive, the fusion generators would re-vacillate and destroy the ship.

CAPTAIN PINE

(extremely agitated -- sips coffee, but this time it doesn't seem to help)

(dramatically)

That's it, then, isn't it? We're all going to die, aren't we? Pensivity's four year mission to contemplate far out new discoveries is over, cut short, extirpated. I… I think I'll use my final moments to write a poem. If anyone needs me I'll be in my cabin.

(gets up and starts walking out of the room. Produces a small microphone from his pocket and speaks into it).

Stardate two-thirty-one-nineteen, captain's log: I'm having a really bad day…

(voice fades)

(LOGICA, YEOMAN FEMME, and the rest of the crew eye one another.)

LOGICA

Logic dictates that we, you know, do something.

YEOMAN FEMME

I'll get Jack in on this.

(pushes a button)

Jack, you there?

JACK

Yep.

LOGICA

Well, I propose we send someone back to the ship -- try to talk sense into Dfen. Maybe we could, you know, buy some time.

YEOMAN FEMME

Great idea. Any volunteers?

(everyone looks away, pretends to be occupied with something else)

Well, someone has to go. And if nobody here is willing, then…

(pauses, obviously has an idea)

Um, Jack?

JACK

I'm way ahead of you, lass.

(interior of the alien ship. The walls are blank, and in the center is a blocky spacecrafty-looking thing -- probably constructed of cardboard boxes. Not far away, there's a sprawled body that obviously is -- was -- LAMB. We hear a transporter beam sound effect, and suddenly CAPTAIN PINE is siting cross-legged on the floor, writing something in a notebook. He looks up, slowly, and then glances about in growing horror. Takes a very long drink from the coffee cup in his left hand, and shudders a bit as if the caffeine has just hit him hard, then reaches down and takes a transmitter from his belt)

CAPTAIN PINE

(yelling into the transmitter)

Damnit, Logica, Jack!

(whining)

Couldn't you have just left me in peace?

(another transporter beam sound effect, and a woman stands between the CAPTAIN and the alien ship)

dfen

(emotionless, words slightly slurred)

Are you the Cultivator?

CAPTAIN PINE

(nervous)

Uh, sure, okay…

dfen

Come to me, then.

(suddenly angry)

Now, damnit!

LOGICA (over transmitter)

Captain! What's going on? What do you see?

CAPTAIN PINE (into transmitter)

The woman -- Dfen -- has appeared. She's beckoning me forward. I can see the lettering on the ship. It reads Dfen, but there are some letters smudged out.

LOGICA

Captain, I have a theory -- this may be a late 21^st century automated cargo ship that has somehow gone off course, and is perhaps now returning to fulfil its mission. If you can, try to read the rest of the lettering. If we know the name of the ship, perhaps we can learn its purpose.

CAPTAIN PINE

I'll try.

(removes a handkerchief from his pocket -- wipes his brow and then approaches the lettering. Wipes off the smudges to reveal the word 'Decaffeinated.' Above, in small lettering, it says: bound for Alturus colony, 2087. Meanwhile, Dfen watches him with curiosity)

Logica, the lettering reads 'decaffeinated' and it was a shipment bound for Alturus colony in the late 21^st century.

LOGICA

(gasps)

Oh, Captain. This could explain so much. It solves one of the most ancient of riddles -- the fate of the Alturus colony!

CAPTAIN PINE

I don't understand.

LOGICA

Accessing brain…

(Pause while she waits for data flow)

In the late 21^st century, at a time when Astrogoths were persecuted on Earth, your ancestors sent out the first Astrogoth space colony. After a couple of years and a number of supply shipments from Earth, Earth lost all contact with the colony. Nearly a century later, an archaeological expedition arrived at the colony and found its remains -- it was war-torn, utterly destroyed. From the evidence, I can only conclude that the last shipment to reach Alturus was an error -- they sent decaffeinated coffee instead of regular. We must presume that, in a vain effort to save themselves, the Alturus colony re-wired the spacecraft and sent it back to earth in hopes of bringing back caffeinated coffee. But the ship lost its way -- and in a fit of withdrawal, the colony destroyed itself. Now, Dfen is searching for the Cultivator to receive caffeinated coffee and return to Alturus. We must assume that it has been programmed to defend itself and its mission at all costs, and thus destroys anything it believes to be a threat.

So, uh, play nice.

CAPTAIN PINE

Um, what exactly should I do?

LOGICA

Captain, describe please the attitude of the woman.

CAPTAIN PINE

She appears exceedingly calm, and a little dreary-eyed. But she's a bit snippy.

LOGICA

Ah, yes. She is showing classic signs of withdrawal. My theory is that the colonists imprinted her with caffeine withdrawal, in order to provide her greater motivation to reach Earth. That would explain the destruction of the outposts. Umm… how many cups of coffee have you had today, sir?

CAPTAIN PINE

Seventeen. Why do you ask?

LOGICa

Sir, I see only one solution -- we must stop Dfen from reaching Earth, and to do that, we must satisfy her caffeine withdrawal. You must join with her.

CAPTAIN PINE

No! I won't do it! I… I'm too young to be absorbed by a machine!

dfen

(impatient, she walks slowly toward CAPTAIN)

Cultivator -- yes, join with me. Together we will wander the Universe, caffeinated, God-like.

CAPTAIN PINE

(whimpering, and cowering in fear)

no…

(WOMAN closes on CAPTAIN and clutches at him. Fade out)

(Aboard the bridge once more)

YEOMAN FEMME

Oh, my. It just… blew up! What happened?

LOGICA

I believe that Dfen's withdrawn psychic energy combined with the Captain's manic state to produce a kind of exothermic nullification -- it is a phenomenon akin to the late 20^th century theory of the destructive union of matter and anti-matter.

YEOMAN FEMME

And the cloud of dust where the ship was -- what is it? Dark matter?

LOGICA

Coffee grounds.

(fade out. Begin theme song and roll credits)