Q.
If I find a
penny, don’t I have to give it to someone else for it to be
lucky?
A.
The Penny
Priestess is all for gentility and good manners. Thus, if you are
with someone who seems desirous of your found penny, give it unto
him. For with what measure you mete, it shall be measured unto
you again. However, giving away a found penny to someone who does
not treasure it is the same as losing a penny, which (see
below) is decidedly not lucky.
Q.
I found three
pennies last week and kept expecting something good would happen
to me but it hasn’t. How long—or how many pennies—does it
take to get lucky?
A.
How do you know
you haven’t been lucky? Last week, you were not, after all,
run over by a truck. Last week, an ultraviolet ray of light did
not strike the nucleus of a cell in that funny-looking mole
you’ve had for years, producing an aggressive cancerous
mutation, but shot harmlessly through the cytoplasm and out the
other side. Last week, the guy who was going to bang his car door
into yours picked a different parking space after all. In an evil
and unjust world, the absence of misfortune is fortune.
Q.
If I find a penny, should I make a wish?
A.
You can if you
want to. The Penny God is not one of your hair-splitting gods who
exult to see their followers divide into bitter factions and start
wars in their name. However, the Penny God does not love hubris and
does not bless those who count too readily on his blessings.
Trust the almost-all-knowing Penny God to know what is for the
best, and be careful what you wish for.
Q.
I could really use
some luck! They have metal detectors pretty cheap on Ebay. Do you
recommend using one?
A.
Certainly not. In
fact, the Penny Priestess does not recommend looking for lost
pennies at all. To look for a penny is to drain it of
its luck. When it is time for a penny to be found, it will be
found--perhaps by you, perhaps by someone else.
Q.
So isn’t money
your god? Aren’t you really worshiping Mammon?
A.
Not at all! In
fact, greedy and materialistic people are the ones who are least
likely to bend a knee to pick up a humble penny. Pennies are lucky
precisely because they are so drastically devalued, because they
have no monetary value. You would have to pick up approximately
125 pennies to buy a single small unrecyclable cup of
rainforest-destroying coffee. The person who thoughtfully pauses
to retrieve a fallen penny does not seek material gain before all
other benefits.
Q.
Why pennies?
Shouldn’t nickels, dimes and quarters be just as lucky to
find, or even luckier?
A.
In asking your
question, you reveal that it is you who worship Mammon! Pennies
are blessed because they are of no practical value in a
money-grubbing, namebrand-worshiping society. Unbelievers put
them in little bowls by cash registers to expedite the purchasing
of stuff. By contrast, nickels, dimes, and quarters are money; no
one yet gives them away. If you happen to need change for a
meter, they are lucky, but not otherwise. By all means, pick them
up, then spend them.
Q.
If finding pennies
is lucky, is losing them unlucky?
A.
Yes, decidedly. Be
very careful with your pennies. If they roll under tables or
counters, get down on your knees and chase them. To the
impious--all those who despise the penny as of no value for the
purchase of stuff--it will seem very odd, or simply very cheap,
to do so. But the Penny God gets a kick out of seeing your
backside stuck in the air while you seek his holy pennies, and he
will bless you for your care.
Q.
Where does the good luck come from?
A.
From the person
who lost the penny. Luck can be neither created nor destroyed, but is
distributed--very unevenly--throughout the living cosmos. Luck
continually flows from one living entity to another and back
again. When you are dead, you are out of luck.
© 2006 Penny Priestess
