Thus we strive to do ...

The devout penny worshiper recognizes that everything we might happen to possess as individuals—looks, brains, health, wealth, success, nice family, nice house—is due to luck. In some instances, luck and hard work. But always luck first and foremost. The luck to be born not-desperately-poor in a developed country with a reasonably good infrastructure and healthcare system, the luck to be born without significant physical or mental defects, the luck to be born.

As tokens of our great and largely undeserved good fortune, we treasure our found pennies and we strive to live by the two commandments our Penny God has given us:

But the compassionate and practical Penny God (who rarely gives up on anybody) realizes that following his commandments is simply beyond the capabilities of most of us, fallen as we are, and has amended them to more workaday versions:

Perhaps you may think a mere two commandments is, well, dinky, when other religions have ten or (if you really read all the scriptural fine print) scores and scores. The Penny Priestess reminds you that ours is a very minor religion. (Although actively recruiting—missionaries are standing by for your call!) And these two simple commandments do cover quite a lot of forbidden territory.

Thus, if you happen to think it’s easy, that you are nearly blameless without even trying, the Penny Priestess would warn you also against all the near-synonyms and logical corollaries:

Finally, there is only one heresy that the all-accepting and forgiving Penny God will not condone. Do not, even in jest, utter the profane words, “Just dumb luck.” Or you’ll be sorry.

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