1996 - The Year That Was
This 1996 year-end review appeared in Ideas, the Columbia Missourian's
Sunday magazine, on January 5, 1997.
By Sid Perkins
Missourian Staff Writer
The fact that you're reading the Sunday paper this fine morning indicates that you have survived 1996, along with the rest of us. (And I'm guessing you'd agree that's pretty good, for what it's worth.)
Although each person experienced the year in their own unique way, a few things that happened in 1996 should be common to almost everyone. Before these experiences become nothing but a cobwebbed collection of feeble memories, however, let's take a look back at just a few of the events that shaped many Columbian's view of our world, our country, our state and our city during the past year:
1. Missouri Says "No" to Low Self-Esteem
In 1997 Missouri finally gets a chance to emerge from 55th place in the "Most Attractive License Plate in the Country" contest. (Let's not forget we also must compete against American Samoa, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands and that perennial license plate powerhouse, Guam.)
The horrendous shade of brown that graces last year's plates (which my wife politely calls "U.S. Forest Service" brown; I, personally, conjure up what I feel to be a more descriptive adjective) is being replaced with a rather snappy design that has a white background, blue letters and numbers, and an air-brushed streak of blue and green across the bottom.
That stylized squiggle below the word "Missouri" on the new plates reportedly represents the state's rivers and streams, although some people I've talked to think it's merely the palsied scribbling of some deranged prisoner down at "the state license plate factory."
Oooooh, just think: This year, we may actually vault up to somewhere around 51st place.
2. Outer Space - The Fiction
This summer's feel-good blockbuster was undoubtedly "Independence Day." It racked up over $300 million in its first five months of release, and is already the No. 6 movie of all time, based on domestic revenues.
(I personally attribute about $225 million of that amount to the split-second image, shown during incessant previews, of the White House and other Washington landmarks being blown to splinters by the alien spaceships. If that's not subliminal advertising tailor-made for an election year, I don't know what is.)
But answer me this: After seeing the movie, did anyone else wonder why these aliens (who had spaceships 15 miles across, a mothership that was God-knows-how-big, and had obviously traveled gajillions of miles to get here) couldn't have brought their own satellite system to coordinate their invasion?
On top of that, they did such a poor job of pirating our satellite network that a cable TV repairman in New York City was able to break their code and save the world.
Lord help us if some really well-equipped aliens decide to take over the Earth.
3. Outer Space - The Fact
NASA announced in August that they think they've found proof that there was life on Mars.
Researchers looking at a rock discovered in 1984, which they estimate was blasted from the surface of Mars about 16 million years ago, have found tiny structures that they believe resemble bacteria.
Although four different types of evidence make the researchers think the tiny structures were actually life, their investigation continues. Soon, we may have definitive proof that we are not alone in the universe. For now, however, it's still a "maybe."
Even if Mars once harbored life, however, astronomers believe a climate change has rendered the planet much too inhospitable for anything to survive now. On the other hand, just because we haven't discovered anything yet doesn't mean that it's not there. Our explorations to date have, literally, only begun to scratch the surface of a very small portion of the Martian landscape.
So there's hope. The simple fact that we haven't yet discovered anything that even faintly resembles skydivers, jet skiers or bungee jumpers leads me to believe that, if it's still there, it's intelligent life. After all, it's got enough sense to hide from us.
4. A Dance Craze for the '90s
Unless you count country line dancing (which some social researchers actually have determined to be a highly ritualistic cult activity), the Macarena is the latest form of strictly regimented flailing to sweep America since the lambada.
Unfortunately, in this instance the song associated with the dance craze was not a benign instrumental ditty. That infinitely offensive chorus quickly burned itself into our collective memory patterns so that, even to this day, it echoes through our brains and we wake up screaming in the night ...... Aaaaaaahhhh, Macarena !!!
Let's hope we're not scarred for life.
5. Up In Smoke
In August, Boone County was invaded by what seemed like an almost endless parade of large bags of hot air. No, I'm not referring to the horde of candidates who were vying for local votes. (THEY actually arrived in droves later, in October and early November.) I'm actually talking about hot air balloons.
As anyone within miles could easily have told you, Columbia once again hosted the U.S. National Hot Air Balloon Championships. Things were zipping along without a snag until a balloonist snapped a power line near Hallsville on Monday evening. Because he contacted only one power line, though, only a few local residents suffered the minor inconvenience of a 70-minute power outage.
Wednesday morning, however, was much more "electrifying," shall we say. A competition event that included the "special shapes" balloons ended in near tragedy when one of the balloons, while landing, actually bridged the gap between two power lines, which sent about 7,600 volts through the balloon's gondola.
Electricity and wicker baskets aren't the best dancing partners, as you might imagine, and when you add significant amounts of propane into the mix ... Well, the results should be predictable.
One small piece of irony that should be wasted on no one, however: The balloon was shaped like a pack of cigarettes.
6. It Sure Beats Day Care
Late this fall, Burger King announced that it would build the largest playland in its chain at a new restaurant on Clark Lane in Columbia. The new restaurant and enclosed playland (a.k.a. "Habitrail for Kids") should be open in early 1997.
Just think, parents: Now you have yet another alternative to those $6-an-hour playlands for your children. For only the price of a cup of coffee you can sit down, relax, and turn your kid loose until either: 1) he falls and breaks his neck, or 2) you tire of sitting among other parents who are running the same scam that you are.
7. Home Improvement Wars
Columbia saw not one, but two, stores from national home improvement chains open this year. Suddenly, people all over town were asking themselves: How many stepladders can a town this size need?
Although Home Depot (yet another source of traffic congestion along Clark Lane) opened a few weeks later than Lowe's, however, they've got my vote for best in-store restaurant.
"OK. So you've got five gallons of paint, three paintbrushes and a dropcloth. Would you like fries with that?"
8. The Election
This November's election, even more so than normal, had its share of visual pollution.
On the weekend before the election, large numbers of unsightly gallon milk jugs with Donna Spickert's campaign literature glued to them cropped up attached to state road signs throughout the Midway area west of Columbia.
Spickert, who was running for state representative from the 24th District, denied any knowledge of the offenses. (You expected otherwise?) In the end, however, she lost the election to Chuck Graham and, by doing so, Missouri was no doubt spared a long and drawn out investigation of her campaign practices.
9. Internet Mania Strikes Our Fair City
Just a couple of weeks ago I was patiently enduring those mind-numbing trivia questions and senseless local advertisements that run prior to the movies at one of our local theaters when, out of nowhere, a simple Internet address appeared on the screen: "www.columbiamo.com". My curiosity piqued, I drove straight home after the movie to log on my computer and check it out.
I found a lot of information on the Website about Columbia businesses, our real estate market, the local music scene, our system of government, and more general information about our city than you could shake a stick at. (For instance, did you know our city's motto was "Columbia - By George, We Need Another Parking Garage!!!"?)
But one item I found on the Website will make me think twice before I consider any of the information I find there authoritative. The weather was listed as "damp, sunny, 28 degrees" with an added note: "Last updated at 10:00 p.m."
10. "The Weather Is Here, I Wish You Were Beautiful"
There was good news and bad news about Mizzou football in 1996. The good news: The Tigers won 6 out of 11 games that Mizzou played in this fall. The bad news: One of those victories belonged to the University of Memphis Tigers, not to us.
Even though this year was a great improvement over recent years, you can't help but wonder: Can Mizzou scrape together a winning season any time before the human race loses its little toe through further evolution, thereby entirely changing the dynamics of the kicking game?
When I first moved here, I heard a saying about the weather in mid-Missouri: "If you don't like it, just wait. It'll change." Sadly, this concept doesn't seem to apply to Mizzou football.
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Copyright 1997 by Columbia Missourian.
All rights reserved.
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